Sunday, September 19, 2010
I'm really liking this book...
We're taught never to say negative things about ourselves. If I wake up feeling worthless, I'm supposed to pretend that I don't feel that way. I'm supposed to say to myself that I'm worthy and hope I will come to feel worthy later in the day. I have to go to work pretending I feel worthy because feeling worthless is not okay. I have to hide behind my mask of worthiness all day, hoping no one will see through it. But, inside, I'll feel a quiet despair knowing I'm not being myself, all because I'm unable to embrace being worthless. We resist this aspect of ourselves and pass judgment on the kind of person that is worthless. We are told affirmations will make us okay. When we integrate negative traits into our selves, we no longer need affirmations because we'll know that we're both worthless and worthy, ugly and beautiful, lazy and conscientious. When we believe we can only be one or the other, we continue our internal struggle to only be the right things. When we believe that we are only weak, nasty, and selfish we feel shame. But when you own all of the traits in the universe, you'll understand that every aspect within you has something to teach you. These teachers will give you access to all the wisdom in the world.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
A branch of the path I'm taking...
Most of us set out on the path to personal growth because at some point the burden of our pain becomes too much to bear. This book is about unmasking that aspect of ourselves which destroys our relationships, kills our spirit, and keeps us from fulfilling our dreams. Is it what the psychologist Carl Jung called the shadow. It contains all the parts of ourselves that we have tried to hide or deny. It contains those dark aspects that we believe are not acceptable to our family, friends, and most importantly, to ourselves. The dark side is stuffed deeply within our consciousness, hidden from ourselves and others. The message we get from this hidden place is simple: there is something wrong with me, I'm not ok, I'm not lovable, I'm not deserving, I'm not worthy.
Many of us believe these messages. We believe that if we look closely enough at what lies deep within us we will find something horrible. We resist looking long and hard for fear of discovering someone we can't live with. We fear ourselves. We fear every thought and feeling we have ever repressed. Many of us are so disconnected from this fear we can only see if by reflection. We project it onto the world, onto our families and friends and onto strangers. Our fear is so deep that the only way to deal with it is either to hide or deny it. We become great imposters who fool ourselves and others. We become so good at this we actually forget that we are wearing masks to hide our authentic selves. We believe we are the persons we see in the mirror. We believe we are our bodies and our minds. Even after years of failed relationships, careers, diets, and dreams, we continue to suppress these disturbing internal messages. We tell ourselves we're ok and that things will get better. We put blinders over our eyes and plugs in our ears to keep the internal stories we create alive. I'm not ok. I'm not lovable. I'm not deserving. I'm not worthy.
Instead of trying to suppress our shadows, we need to unconceal, own and embrace the very things we are most afraid of facing. Our shadows hold the essence of who we are. They hold our most treasures gifts. By facing these aspects of ourselves, we become free to experience our glorious totality: the good and the bad, the dark and the light. Is it by embracing all of who we are that we earn the freedom to choose what we do in this world. As long as we keep hiding, masquerading, and projecting what is inside us, we have no freedom to be and no freedom to choose.
Many of us believe these messages. We believe that if we look closely enough at what lies deep within us we will find something horrible. We resist looking long and hard for fear of discovering someone we can't live with. We fear ourselves. We fear every thought and feeling we have ever repressed. Many of us are so disconnected from this fear we can only see if by reflection. We project it onto the world, onto our families and friends and onto strangers. Our fear is so deep that the only way to deal with it is either to hide or deny it. We become great imposters who fool ourselves and others. We become so good at this we actually forget that we are wearing masks to hide our authentic selves. We believe we are the persons we see in the mirror. We believe we are our bodies and our minds. Even after years of failed relationships, careers, diets, and dreams, we continue to suppress these disturbing internal messages. We tell ourselves we're ok and that things will get better. We put blinders over our eyes and plugs in our ears to keep the internal stories we create alive. I'm not ok. I'm not lovable. I'm not deserving. I'm not worthy.
Instead of trying to suppress our shadows, we need to unconceal, own and embrace the very things we are most afraid of facing. Our shadows hold the essence of who we are. They hold our most treasures gifts. By facing these aspects of ourselves, we become free to experience our glorious totality: the good and the bad, the dark and the light. Is it by embracing all of who we are that we earn the freedom to choose what we do in this world. As long as we keep hiding, masquerading, and projecting what is inside us, we have no freedom to be and no freedom to choose.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
My apologies to NieNie
I spoke with a dear friend tonight and it reminded me that I haven't healed the jealous energy I sent out with my post about NieNie. I'm rather embarrassed that I said such ignorant things in the midst of my jealously, but happy to discover (and change) the root of my conflict, which was fear. Fear of being stuck in this dark place and no one noticing or caring. Fear of being forgotten. Fear of being poverty stricken for the rest of mortality...
Fear is an interesting thing. It's always the answer to anything negative. Always. When we dig past our anger and pain, our judgment and our helplessness, fear is there waiting, so pleased that it can disguise itself so well. Waiting for Christ to come turn it into faith so we can properly respond to life's challenges.
If I do nothing in my life but overcome my fear, I'll have lived a life worth writing about.
Fear is an interesting thing. It's always the answer to anything negative. Always. When we dig past our anger and pain, our judgment and our helplessness, fear is there waiting, so pleased that it can disguise itself so well. Waiting for Christ to come turn it into faith so we can properly respond to life's challenges.
If I do nothing in my life but overcome my fear, I'll have lived a life worth writing about.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Today's gonna be a great day
Yesterday was nice. Peaceful and calm and hopeful. I'm talking about my inside life of course. On the outside it was pure chaos, like every day. I had to take the girls to swim lessons, do visiting teaching, make 100 phone calls, and more decisions. But I'm so glad my inside life was nice. I need more of those days. More and more all in a row so I can't remember one from the other.
It started when I took Zina to preschool and Elsie went down for a nap and I had some time to myself. I'm putting stuff on KSL and read the headline about the LDS bishop who was murdered in his office 30 min after sacrament. Of course I start crying and then I start sobbing. I will never understand the senselessness that occurs in this life. And I will never understand my sensitivity to feeling it so deeply. I suppose it's a gift. Or a curse. But I don't have that protection most people do when it comes to others problems. They feel like my own. And that's a lot to carry. (Like when I watched Beaches as a kid and cried for two hours after the movie and then woke up at three am and cried for another two hours.)
So I start praying and sobbing and praying. And I felt so much peace. Peace that it's all going to be ok. Which doesn't mean it magically disappears. His six boys will still go through life without their dad (ages 14 to three months). His wife will still have to wake up everyday and take care of life. But it's going to be ok. Eternally. Eternally everything will work out exactly how it needs to. I just wish I could see the things He sees. I wish I could have that perspective ALL the time. Not just when I go to the temple or start crying because the sin of this world overwhelms me. Sigh... But I suppose that's the real trial of faith. To choose to respond with love and hope when you don't feel it or can't remember it.
I suppose that if we truly felt peaceful all the time in our insides lives, then we wouldn't learn what we came to learn. Or would we? What if the true purpose of life is to conquer our inside lives and to feel peaceful all the time no matter what? What if that is totally and completely possible but none of us believes it? What if we've only really understood the atonement when we no longer carry any pain or sorrow at all and the world's gold stars or gray dots fall off us the second someone puts one on? What if the best gift we can possible give back to heaven is overcoming and mastering the world inside of us?
It started when I took Zina to preschool and Elsie went down for a nap and I had some time to myself. I'm putting stuff on KSL and read the headline about the LDS bishop who was murdered in his office 30 min after sacrament. Of course I start crying and then I start sobbing. I will never understand the senselessness that occurs in this life. And I will never understand my sensitivity to feeling it so deeply. I suppose it's a gift. Or a curse. But I don't have that protection most people do when it comes to others problems. They feel like my own. And that's a lot to carry. (Like when I watched Beaches as a kid and cried for two hours after the movie and then woke up at three am and cried for another two hours.)
So I start praying and sobbing and praying. And I felt so much peace. Peace that it's all going to be ok. Which doesn't mean it magically disappears. His six boys will still go through life without their dad (ages 14 to three months). His wife will still have to wake up everyday and take care of life. But it's going to be ok. Eternally. Eternally everything will work out exactly how it needs to. I just wish I could see the things He sees. I wish I could have that perspective ALL the time. Not just when I go to the temple or start crying because the sin of this world overwhelms me. Sigh... But I suppose that's the real trial of faith. To choose to respond with love and hope when you don't feel it or can't remember it.
I suppose that if we truly felt peaceful all the time in our insides lives, then we wouldn't learn what we came to learn. Or would we? What if the true purpose of life is to conquer our inside lives and to feel peaceful all the time no matter what? What if that is totally and completely possible but none of us believes it? What if we've only really understood the atonement when we no longer carry any pain or sorrow at all and the world's gold stars or gray dots fall off us the second someone puts one on? What if the best gift we can possible give back to heaven is overcoming and mastering the world inside of us?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A Lifetime in a Day
I've been feeling lately that I live a whole life emotionally in one day. The good, the bad, the ugly. And the powerful. I get ready to share a thought and then get too tired to actually write it down.
Have you seen Inception? Of course I'm a Chris Nolan fan (Jared and I saw The Dark Knight twice in one day). I love the way his mind works. I love the places he goes and the questions he asks. He understands madness. But more beautiful is that he understands hope.
I cried and cried and then had to go to the ladies room and cry some more. The entire movie was a perfect metaphor to my life. I felt the beauty of knowing this life is nothing but a dream. Our true reality is our spirits. This time here is nothing but a dream. A dream we have some control over, but a dream nonetheless.
On another level, my third layer is the dream of depression. It seems SO real. Your emotions and thoughts are so powerful, but your intellect tells you they aren't. Which one to choose? Which one is reality? The constant conflict is exhausting and draining. Letting go to rise to truth is both painful and exhilarating.
Anyhow, I have so much more to say, but I'm tired today.
Have you seen Inception? Of course I'm a Chris Nolan fan (Jared and I saw The Dark Knight twice in one day). I love the way his mind works. I love the places he goes and the questions he asks. He understands madness. But more beautiful is that he understands hope.
I cried and cried and then had to go to the ladies room and cry some more. The entire movie was a perfect metaphor to my life. I felt the beauty of knowing this life is nothing but a dream. Our true reality is our spirits. This time here is nothing but a dream. A dream we have some control over, but a dream nonetheless.
On another level, my third layer is the dream of depression. It seems SO real. Your emotions and thoughts are so powerful, but your intellect tells you they aren't. Which one to choose? Which one is reality? The constant conflict is exhausting and draining. Letting go to rise to truth is both painful and exhilarating.
Anyhow, I have so much more to say, but I'm tired today.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Energy Medicine
Um...I don't even know what to write yet without writing a book. I will say I have found my life's purpose, besides having a family and gaining celestial glory, which is what every Mormon wants. I guess I will say I have found MY road to get there.
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