I'm discovering more and more how spiritually rooted this journey is becoming. I was under the impression that depression was a mind game (that's how everyone treats it, professional and layman alike). But it's not. At its root, it is a spiritual dysfunction. So for the time being I'm merging Philantra and A Journey to Balance.
Just thought I'd let you know.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
More Conflict
A friend reminded me of NieNie's blog. I've spent the past hour reading it (while watching Psych because I needed to laugh too). My friend loves NieNie because she inspires her. But NieNie doesn't inspire me. She creates great amounts of conflict. I'm not sure why but it's bothering me enough that I can't sleep so I decided to write see if the process helps me process. (Pun totally intended.) I don't mean anything rude or degrading against her; I'm so sad for her struggles and can't imagine the huge uphill battle she'll fight the rest of her mortal life. But her blog doesn't resonate with me and I want to find out why.
1. She's super trendy. I don't trust trendy. Trendy blog, trendy clothes, trendy new basement.
2. She obviously comes from money and seems to enjoy money. And is incredibly well connected. Trips everywhere. Boats, private airplanes, front row seats to games, meeting apostles. PS How does her husband have so much free time?
3. And this is the root of my conflict...Her home is a place of refuge and peace. She's madly in love with her husband, never writes anything negative about motherhood, has the undying support of not only family and friends, but thousands (if not tens of thousands) of strangers.
Her trial is mostly a physical one. A super hard, incredibly painful physical trial. And here's the big difference with what I'm going through (and have gone through my whole life). Mine is a shameful trial. Depression isn't something you talk about. It's not something you ring up a friends and say, "Hey, I'm feeling suicidal, can you watch my kids for a few hours so I can meditate my way out of this one." It's not something you go on Opera for and find enough sponsors on your blog to help pay the bills and get specials perks like free bikes and clothes and designer basements.
She gets to go home to a husband whom she adores and craves. I fight the feeling all the time like I'm ruining his life or that I choose poorly because he's not giving me what I need (side note, intellectually I know that's false. The feeling is still very real and strong however). She talks all the time about her babies and how much they fill her life and how badly she wants four more. I need a constant escape from motherhood because my kids (although I love them deeply and don't regret having them, most day) literally suck life from me on all levels. She misses Utah when she's not here and loves where she lives. I hate Utah and feel stuck here. Utah is the place I was sexually abused. Utah is the place where I turned depressed and fat from it and my parents didn't know how to handle it so then I turned crazy and no one knew how to handle me so I became an outcast. Made fun of by my own brothers and called bitch from hell and had snow rubbed in my face in front of my friends. Utah is the place where I fought suicide for 8 years and still feel like I don't belong. And have never found lasting peace.
So I'm actually a little jealous of NieNie. I'm jealous she can talk about her trials. I'm jealous that she has instant sympathy and support from friend and stranger alike. (Instead of, "Get over it. You just need to think more positive.") I'm jealous that no matter what she's going through she still has a foundation of total love and acceptance. I'm jealous that there's no shame. I wish I had that. And right now I'd trade trials just to get it. That sounds horrible. What is wrong with me?
1. She's super trendy. I don't trust trendy. Trendy blog, trendy clothes, trendy new basement.
2. She obviously comes from money and seems to enjoy money. And is incredibly well connected. Trips everywhere. Boats, private airplanes, front row seats to games, meeting apostles. PS How does her husband have so much free time?
3. And this is the root of my conflict...Her home is a place of refuge and peace. She's madly in love with her husband, never writes anything negative about motherhood, has the undying support of not only family and friends, but thousands (if not tens of thousands) of strangers.
Her trial is mostly a physical one. A super hard, incredibly painful physical trial. And here's the big difference with what I'm going through (and have gone through my whole life). Mine is a shameful trial. Depression isn't something you talk about. It's not something you ring up a friends and say, "Hey, I'm feeling suicidal, can you watch my kids for a few hours so I can meditate my way out of this one." It's not something you go on Opera for and find enough sponsors on your blog to help pay the bills and get specials perks like free bikes and clothes and designer basements.
She gets to go home to a husband whom she adores and craves. I fight the feeling all the time like I'm ruining his life or that I choose poorly because he's not giving me what I need (side note, intellectually I know that's false. The feeling is still very real and strong however). She talks all the time about her babies and how much they fill her life and how badly she wants four more. I need a constant escape from motherhood because my kids (although I love them deeply and don't regret having them, most day) literally suck life from me on all levels. She misses Utah when she's not here and loves where she lives. I hate Utah and feel stuck here. Utah is the place I was sexually abused. Utah is the place where I turned depressed and fat from it and my parents didn't know how to handle it so then I turned crazy and no one knew how to handle me so I became an outcast. Made fun of by my own brothers and called bitch from hell and had snow rubbed in my face in front of my friends. Utah is the place where I fought suicide for 8 years and still feel like I don't belong. And have never found lasting peace.
So I'm actually a little jealous of NieNie. I'm jealous she can talk about her trials. I'm jealous that she has instant sympathy and support from friend and stranger alike. (Instead of, "Get over it. You just need to think more positive.") I'm jealous that no matter what she's going through she still has a foundation of total love and acceptance. I'm jealous that there's no shame. I wish I had that. And right now I'd trade trials just to get it. That sounds horrible. What is wrong with me?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Iridologist
So in April when I decided that essential oils were not doing prozac's job, I started heavily researching what method to use to stabilize my brain chemistry. I found several options, thought and prayed a lot and decided on an iridologist, though he was initially my least favorite option.
The idea behind the science is that anything that happens to you is recorded in your body. Your cells carry memory and those trained can read the eyes can see what systems need balancing. He took a picture of my eyes and gave me a program to reverse damage for my whole body. He's big into seasoning cleansing, so I've dedicated this next year to getting better. I liked this plan the most because in the end it will help balance EVERYTHING, not just depression.
The program combines herbs, homeopathic, true foods (85% vegan, nothing processed), energy work, and whole food supplements.
I can already feel it working. I've been doing it for one month and have noticed some nice changes. My back pain is reduced, though not gone. I don't need glasses as much - I can read the hymn numbers for the first time in years. I haven't need a prozac since I started and I've only have two "bad" days.
I'm so hopeful that this will work permanently. That's such a nice feeling.
The idea behind the science is that anything that happens to you is recorded in your body. Your cells carry memory and those trained can read the eyes can see what systems need balancing. He took a picture of my eyes and gave me a program to reverse damage for my whole body. He's big into seasoning cleansing, so I've dedicated this next year to getting better. I liked this plan the most because in the end it will help balance EVERYTHING, not just depression.
The program combines herbs, homeopathic, true foods (85% vegan, nothing processed), energy work, and whole food supplements.
I can already feel it working. I've been doing it for one month and have noticed some nice changes. My back pain is reduced, though not gone. I don't need glasses as much - I can read the hymn numbers for the first time in years. I haven't need a prozac since I started and I've only have two "bad" days.
I'm so hopeful that this will work permanently. That's such a nice feeling.
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