I'm really liking this book...

We're taught never to say negative things about ourselves. If I wake up feeling worthless, I'm supposed to pretend that I don't feel that way. I'm supposed to say to myself that I'm worthy and hope I will come to feel worthy later in the day. I have to go to work pretending I feel worthy because feeling worthless is not okay. I have to hide behind my mask of worthiness all day, hoping no one will see through it. But, inside, I'll feel a quiet despair knowing I'm not being myself, all because I'm unable to embrace being worthless. We resist this aspect of ourselves and pass judgment on the kind of person that is worthless. We are told affirmations will make us okay. When we integrate negative traits into our selves, we no longer need affirmations because we'll know that we're both worthless and worthy, ugly and beautiful, lazy and conscientious. When we believe we can only be one or the other, we continue our internal struggle to only be the right things. When we believe that we are only weak, nasty, and selfish we feel shame. But when you own all of the traits in the universe, you'll understand that every aspect within you has something to teach you. These teachers will give you access to all the wisdom in the world.

A branch of the path I'm taking...

Most of us set out on the path to personal growth because at some point the burden of our pain becomes too much to bear. This book is about unmasking that aspect of ourselves which destroys our relationships, kills our spirit, and keeps us from fulfilling our dreams. Is it what the psychologist Carl Jung called the shadow. It contains all the parts of ourselves that we have tried to hide or deny. It contains those dark aspects that we believe are not acceptable to our family, friends, and most importantly, to ourselves. The dark side is stuffed deeply within our consciousness, hidden from ourselves and others. The message we get from this hidden place is simple: there is something wrong with me, I'm not ok, I'm not lovable, I'm not deserving, I'm not worthy.
Many of us believe these messages. We believe that if we look closely enough at what lies deep within us we will find something horrible. We resist looking long and hard for fear of discovering someone we can't live with. We fear ourselves. We fear every thought and feeling we have ever repressed. Many of us are so disconnected from this fear we can only see if by reflection. We project it onto the world, onto our families and friends and onto strangers. Our fear is so deep that the only way to deal with it is either to hide or deny it. We become great imposters who fool ourselves and others. We become so good at this we actually forget that we are wearing masks to hide our authentic selves. We believe we are the persons we see in the mirror. We believe we are our bodies and our minds. Even after years of failed relationships, careers, diets, and dreams, we continue to suppress these disturbing internal messages. We tell ourselves we're ok and that things will get better. We put blinders over our eyes and plugs in our ears to keep the internal stories we create alive. I'm not ok. I'm not lovable. I'm not deserving. I'm not worthy.
Instead of trying to suppress our shadows, we need to unconceal, own and embrace the very things we are most afraid of facing. Our shadows hold the essence of who we are. They hold our most treasures gifts. By facing these aspects of ourselves, we become free to experience our glorious totality: the good and the bad, the dark and the light. Is it by embracing all of who we are that we earn the freedom to choose what we do in this world. As long as we keep hiding, masquerading, and projecting what is inside us, we have no freedom to be and no freedom to choose.

Emotion and Intellect

You'll want to wait for this one. It's going to be good...

My apologies to NieNie

I spoke with a dear friend tonight and it reminded me that I haven't healed the jealous energy I sent out with my post about NieNie. I'm rather embarrassed that I said such ignorant things in the midst of my jealously, but happy to discover (and change) the root of my conflict, which was fear. Fear of being stuck in this dark place and no one noticing or caring. Fear of being forgotten. Fear of being poverty stricken for the rest of mortality...

Fear is an interesting thing. It's always the answer to anything negative. Always. When we dig past our anger and pain, our judgment and our helplessness, fear is there waiting, so pleased that it can disguise itself so well. Waiting for Christ to come turn it into faith so we can properly respond to life's challenges.

If I do nothing in my life but overcome my fear, I'll have lived a life worth writing about.