Today's gonna be a great day

Yesterday was nice. Peaceful and calm and hopeful. I'm talking about my inside life of course. On the outside it was pure chaos, like every day. I had to take the girls to swim lessons, do visiting teaching, make 100 phone calls, and more decisions. But I'm so glad my inside life was nice. I need more of those days. More and more all in a row so I can't remember one from the other.

It started when I took Zina to preschool and Elsie went down for a nap and I had some time to myself. I'm putting stuff on KSL and read the headline about the LDS bishop who was murdered in his office 30 min after sacrament. Of course I start crying and then I start sobbing. I will never understand the senselessness that occurs in this life. And I will never understand my sensitivity to feeling it so deeply. I suppose it's a gift. Or a curse. But I don't have that protection most people do when it comes to others problems. They feel like my own. And that's a lot to carry. (Like when I watched Beaches as a kid and cried for two hours after the movie and then woke up at three am and cried for another two hours.)

So I start praying and sobbing and praying. And I felt so much peace. Peace that it's all going to be ok. Which doesn't mean it magically disappears. His six boys will still go through life without their dad (ages 14 to three months). His wife will still have to wake up everyday and take care of life. But it's going to be ok. Eternally. Eternally everything will work out exactly how it needs to. I just wish I could see the things He sees. I wish I could have that perspective ALL the time. Not just when I go to the temple or start crying because the sin of this world overwhelms me. Sigh... But I suppose that's the real trial of faith. To choose to respond with love and hope when you don't feel it or can't remember it.

I suppose that if we truly felt peaceful all the time in our insides lives, then we wouldn't learn what we came to learn. Or would we? What if the true purpose of life is to conquer our inside lives and to feel peaceful all the time no matter what? What if that is totally and completely possible but none of us believes it? What if we've only really understood the atonement when we no longer carry any pain or sorrow at all and the world's gold stars or gray dots fall off us the second someone puts one on? What if the best gift we can possible give back to heaven is overcoming and mastering the world inside of us?

A Lifetime in a Day

I've been feeling lately that I live a whole life emotionally in one day. The good, the bad, the ugly. And the powerful. I get ready to share a thought and then get too tired to actually write it down.

Have you seen Inception? Of course I'm a Chris Nolan fan (Jared and I saw The Dark Knight twice in one day). I love the way his mind works. I love the places he goes and the questions he asks. He understands madness. But more beautiful is that he understands hope.

I cried and cried and then had to go to the ladies room and cry some more. The entire movie was a perfect metaphor to my life. I felt the beauty of knowing this life is nothing but a dream. Our true reality is our spirits. This time here is nothing but a dream. A dream we have some control over, but a dream nonetheless.

On another level, my third layer is the dream of depression. It seems SO real. Your emotions and thoughts are so powerful, but your intellect tells you they aren't. Which one to choose? Which one is reality? The constant conflict is exhausting and draining. Letting go to rise to truth is both painful and exhilarating.

Anyhow, I have so much more to say, but I'm tired today.

Energy Medicine

Um...I don't even know what to write yet without writing a book. I will say I have found my life's purpose, besides having a family and gaining celestial glory, which is what every Mormon wants. I guess I will say I have found MY road to get there.

Merger

I'm discovering more and more how spiritually rooted this journey is becoming. I was under the impression that depression was a mind game (that's how everyone treats it, professional and layman alike). But it's not. At its root, it is a spiritual dysfunction. So for the time being I'm merging Philantra and A Journey to Balance.

Just thought I'd let you know.

More Conflict

A friend reminded me of NieNie's blog. I've spent the past hour reading it (while watching Psych because I needed to laugh too). My friend loves NieNie because she inspires her. But NieNie doesn't inspire me. She creates great amounts of conflict. I'm not sure why but it's bothering me enough that I can't sleep so I decided to write see if the process helps me process. (Pun totally intended.) I don't mean anything rude or degrading against her; I'm so sad for her struggles and can't imagine the huge uphill battle she'll fight the rest of her mortal life. But her blog doesn't resonate with me and I want to find out why.

1. She's super trendy. I don't trust trendy. Trendy blog, trendy clothes, trendy new basement.

2. She obviously comes from money and seems to enjoy money. And is incredibly well connected. Trips everywhere. Boats, private airplanes, front row seats to games, meeting apostles. PS How does her husband have so much free time?

3. And this is the root of my conflict...Her home is a place of refuge and peace. She's madly in love with her husband, never writes anything negative about motherhood, has the undying support of not only family and friends, but thousands (if not tens of thousands) of strangers.

Her trial is mostly a physical one. A super hard, incredibly painful physical trial. And here's the big difference with what I'm going through (and have gone through my whole life). Mine is a shameful trial. Depression isn't something you talk about. It's not something you ring up a friends and say, "Hey, I'm feeling suicidal, can you watch my kids for a few hours so I can meditate my way out of this one." It's not something you go on Opera for and find enough sponsors on your blog to help pay the bills and get specials perks like free bikes and clothes and designer basements.

She gets to go home to a husband whom she adores and craves. I fight the feeling all the time like I'm ruining his life or that I choose poorly because he's not giving me what I need (side note, intellectually I know that's false. The feeling is still very real and strong however). She talks all the time about her babies and how much they fill her life and how badly she wants four more. I need a constant escape from motherhood because my kids (although I love them deeply and don't regret having them, most day) literally suck life from me on all levels. She misses Utah when she's not here and loves where she lives. I hate Utah and feel stuck here. Utah is the place I was sexually abused. Utah is the place where I turned depressed and fat from it and my parents didn't know how to handle it so then I turned crazy and no one knew how to handle me so I became an outcast. Made fun of by my own brothers and called bitch from hell and had snow rubbed in my face in front of my friends. Utah is the place where I fought suicide for 8 years and still feel like I don't belong. And have never found lasting peace.

So I'm actually a little jealous of NieNie. I'm jealous she can talk about her trials. I'm jealous that she has instant sympathy and support from friend and stranger alike. (Instead of, "Get over it. You just need to think more positive.") I'm jealous that no matter what she's going through she still has a foundation of total love and acceptance. I'm jealous that there's no shame. I wish I had that. And right now I'd trade trials just to get it. That sounds horrible. What is wrong with me?