Yesterday was nice. Peaceful and calm and hopeful. I'm talking about my inside life of course. On the outside it was pure chaos, like every day. I had to take the girls to swim lessons, do visiting teaching, make 100 phone calls, and more decisions. But I'm so glad my inside life was nice. I need more of those days. More and more all in a row so I can't remember one from the other.
It started when I took Zina to preschool and Elsie went down for a nap and I had some time to myself. I'm putting stuff on KSL and read the headline about the LDS bishop who was murdered in his office 30 min after sacrament. Of course I start crying and then I start sobbing. I will never understand the senselessness that occurs in this life. And I will never understand my sensitivity to feeling it so deeply. I suppose it's a gift. Or a curse. But I don't have that protection most people do when it comes to others problems. They feel like my own. And that's a lot to carry. (Like when I watched Beaches as a kid and cried for two hours after the movie and then woke up at three am and cried for another two hours.)
So I start praying and sobbing and praying. And I felt so much peace. Peace that it's all going to be ok. Which doesn't mean it magically disappears. His six boys will still go through life without their dad (ages 14 to three months). His wife will still have to wake up everyday and take care of life. But it's going to be ok. Eternally. Eternally everything will work out exactly how it needs to. I just wish I could see the things He sees. I wish I could have that perspective ALL the time. Not just when I go to the temple or start crying because the sin of this world overwhelms me. Sigh... But I suppose that's the real trial of faith. To choose to respond with love and hope when you don't feel it or can't remember it.
I suppose that if we truly felt peaceful all the time in our insides lives, then we wouldn't learn what we came to learn. Or would we? What if the true purpose of life is to conquer our inside lives and to feel peaceful all the time no matter what? What if that is totally and completely possible but none of us believes it? What if we've only really understood the atonement when we no longer carry any pain or sorrow at all and the world's gold stars or gray dots fall off us the second someone puts one on? What if the best gift we can possible give back to heaven is overcoming and mastering the world inside of us?
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