More Conflict

A friend reminded me of NieNie's blog. I've spent the past hour reading it (while watching Psych because I needed to laugh too). My friend loves NieNie because she inspires her. But NieNie doesn't inspire me. She creates great amounts of conflict. I'm not sure why but it's bothering me enough that I can't sleep so I decided to write see if the process helps me process. (Pun totally intended.) I don't mean anything rude or degrading against her; I'm so sad for her struggles and can't imagine the huge uphill battle she'll fight the rest of her mortal life. But her blog doesn't resonate with me and I want to find out why.

1. She's super trendy. I don't trust trendy. Trendy blog, trendy clothes, trendy new basement.

2. She obviously comes from money and seems to enjoy money. And is incredibly well connected. Trips everywhere. Boats, private airplanes, front row seats to games, meeting apostles. PS How does her husband have so much free time?

3. And this is the root of my conflict...Her home is a place of refuge and peace. She's madly in love with her husband, never writes anything negative about motherhood, has the undying support of not only family and friends, but thousands (if not tens of thousands) of strangers.

Her trial is mostly a physical one. A super hard, incredibly painful physical trial. And here's the big difference with what I'm going through (and have gone through my whole life). Mine is a shameful trial. Depression isn't something you talk about. It's not something you ring up a friends and say, "Hey, I'm feeling suicidal, can you watch my kids for a few hours so I can meditate my way out of this one." It's not something you go on Opera for and find enough sponsors on your blog to help pay the bills and get specials perks like free bikes and clothes and designer basements.

She gets to go home to a husband whom she adores and craves. I fight the feeling all the time like I'm ruining his life or that I choose poorly because he's not giving me what I need (side note, intellectually I know that's false. The feeling is still very real and strong however). She talks all the time about her babies and how much they fill her life and how badly she wants four more. I need a constant escape from motherhood because my kids (although I love them deeply and don't regret having them, most day) literally suck life from me on all levels. She misses Utah when she's not here and loves where she lives. I hate Utah and feel stuck here. Utah is the place I was sexually abused. Utah is the place where I turned depressed and fat from it and my parents didn't know how to handle it so then I turned crazy and no one knew how to handle me so I became an outcast. Made fun of by my own brothers and called bitch from hell and had snow rubbed in my face in front of my friends. Utah is the place where I fought suicide for 8 years and still feel like I don't belong. And have never found lasting peace.

So I'm actually a little jealous of NieNie. I'm jealous she can talk about her trials. I'm jealous that she has instant sympathy and support from friend and stranger alike. (Instead of, "Get over it. You just need to think more positive.") I'm jealous that no matter what she's going through she still has a foundation of total love and acceptance. I'm jealous that there's no shame. I wish I had that. And right now I'd trade trials just to get it. That sounds horrible. What is wrong with me?