Sunday, September 19, 2010
I'm really liking this book...
We're taught never to say negative things about ourselves. If I wake up feeling worthless, I'm supposed to pretend that I don't feel that way. I'm supposed to say to myself that I'm worthy and hope I will come to feel worthy later in the day. I have to go to work pretending I feel worthy because feeling worthless is not okay. I have to hide behind my mask of worthiness all day, hoping no one will see through it. But, inside, I'll feel a quiet despair knowing I'm not being myself, all because I'm unable to embrace being worthless. We resist this aspect of ourselves and pass judgment on the kind of person that is worthless. We are told affirmations will make us okay. When we integrate negative traits into our selves, we no longer need affirmations because we'll know that we're both worthless and worthy, ugly and beautiful, lazy and conscientious. When we believe we can only be one or the other, we continue our internal struggle to only be the right things. When we believe that we are only weak, nasty, and selfish we feel shame. But when you own all of the traits in the universe, you'll understand that every aspect within you has something to teach you. These teachers will give you access to all the wisdom in the world.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
A branch of the path I'm taking...
Most of us set out on the path to personal growth because at some point the burden of our pain becomes too much to bear. This book is about unmasking that aspect of ourselves which destroys our relationships, kills our spirit, and keeps us from fulfilling our dreams. Is it what the psychologist Carl Jung called the shadow. It contains all the parts of ourselves that we have tried to hide or deny. It contains those dark aspects that we believe are not acceptable to our family, friends, and most importantly, to ourselves. The dark side is stuffed deeply within our consciousness, hidden from ourselves and others. The message we get from this hidden place is simple: there is something wrong with me, I'm not ok, I'm not lovable, I'm not deserving, I'm not worthy.
Many of us believe these messages. We believe that if we look closely enough at what lies deep within us we will find something horrible. We resist looking long and hard for fear of discovering someone we can't live with. We fear ourselves. We fear every thought and feeling we have ever repressed. Many of us are so disconnected from this fear we can only see if by reflection. We project it onto the world, onto our families and friends and onto strangers. Our fear is so deep that the only way to deal with it is either to hide or deny it. We become great imposters who fool ourselves and others. We become so good at this we actually forget that we are wearing masks to hide our authentic selves. We believe we are the persons we see in the mirror. We believe we are our bodies and our minds. Even after years of failed relationships, careers, diets, and dreams, we continue to suppress these disturbing internal messages. We tell ourselves we're ok and that things will get better. We put blinders over our eyes and plugs in our ears to keep the internal stories we create alive. I'm not ok. I'm not lovable. I'm not deserving. I'm not worthy.
Instead of trying to suppress our shadows, we need to unconceal, own and embrace the very things we are most afraid of facing. Our shadows hold the essence of who we are. They hold our most treasures gifts. By facing these aspects of ourselves, we become free to experience our glorious totality: the good and the bad, the dark and the light. Is it by embracing all of who we are that we earn the freedom to choose what we do in this world. As long as we keep hiding, masquerading, and projecting what is inside us, we have no freedom to be and no freedom to choose.
Many of us believe these messages. We believe that if we look closely enough at what lies deep within us we will find something horrible. We resist looking long and hard for fear of discovering someone we can't live with. We fear ourselves. We fear every thought and feeling we have ever repressed. Many of us are so disconnected from this fear we can only see if by reflection. We project it onto the world, onto our families and friends and onto strangers. Our fear is so deep that the only way to deal with it is either to hide or deny it. We become great imposters who fool ourselves and others. We become so good at this we actually forget that we are wearing masks to hide our authentic selves. We believe we are the persons we see in the mirror. We believe we are our bodies and our minds. Even after years of failed relationships, careers, diets, and dreams, we continue to suppress these disturbing internal messages. We tell ourselves we're ok and that things will get better. We put blinders over our eyes and plugs in our ears to keep the internal stories we create alive. I'm not ok. I'm not lovable. I'm not deserving. I'm not worthy.
Instead of trying to suppress our shadows, we need to unconceal, own and embrace the very things we are most afraid of facing. Our shadows hold the essence of who we are. They hold our most treasures gifts. By facing these aspects of ourselves, we become free to experience our glorious totality: the good and the bad, the dark and the light. Is it by embracing all of who we are that we earn the freedom to choose what we do in this world. As long as we keep hiding, masquerading, and projecting what is inside us, we have no freedom to be and no freedom to choose.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
My apologies to NieNie
I spoke with a dear friend tonight and it reminded me that I haven't healed the jealous energy I sent out with my post about NieNie. I'm rather embarrassed that I said such ignorant things in the midst of my jealously, but happy to discover (and change) the root of my conflict, which was fear. Fear of being stuck in this dark place and no one noticing or caring. Fear of being forgotten. Fear of being poverty stricken for the rest of mortality...
Fear is an interesting thing. It's always the answer to anything negative. Always. When we dig past our anger and pain, our judgment and our helplessness, fear is there waiting, so pleased that it can disguise itself so well. Waiting for Christ to come turn it into faith so we can properly respond to life's challenges.
If I do nothing in my life but overcome my fear, I'll have lived a life worth writing about.
Fear is an interesting thing. It's always the answer to anything negative. Always. When we dig past our anger and pain, our judgment and our helplessness, fear is there waiting, so pleased that it can disguise itself so well. Waiting for Christ to come turn it into faith so we can properly respond to life's challenges.
If I do nothing in my life but overcome my fear, I'll have lived a life worth writing about.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Today's gonna be a great day
Yesterday was nice. Peaceful and calm and hopeful. I'm talking about my inside life of course. On the outside it was pure chaos, like every day. I had to take the girls to swim lessons, do visiting teaching, make 100 phone calls, and more decisions. But I'm so glad my inside life was nice. I need more of those days. More and more all in a row so I can't remember one from the other.
It started when I took Zina to preschool and Elsie went down for a nap and I had some time to myself. I'm putting stuff on KSL and read the headline about the LDS bishop who was murdered in his office 30 min after sacrament. Of course I start crying and then I start sobbing. I will never understand the senselessness that occurs in this life. And I will never understand my sensitivity to feeling it so deeply. I suppose it's a gift. Or a curse. But I don't have that protection most people do when it comes to others problems. They feel like my own. And that's a lot to carry. (Like when I watched Beaches as a kid and cried for two hours after the movie and then woke up at three am and cried for another two hours.)
So I start praying and sobbing and praying. And I felt so much peace. Peace that it's all going to be ok. Which doesn't mean it magically disappears. His six boys will still go through life without their dad (ages 14 to three months). His wife will still have to wake up everyday and take care of life. But it's going to be ok. Eternally. Eternally everything will work out exactly how it needs to. I just wish I could see the things He sees. I wish I could have that perspective ALL the time. Not just when I go to the temple or start crying because the sin of this world overwhelms me. Sigh... But I suppose that's the real trial of faith. To choose to respond with love and hope when you don't feel it or can't remember it.
I suppose that if we truly felt peaceful all the time in our insides lives, then we wouldn't learn what we came to learn. Or would we? What if the true purpose of life is to conquer our inside lives and to feel peaceful all the time no matter what? What if that is totally and completely possible but none of us believes it? What if we've only really understood the atonement when we no longer carry any pain or sorrow at all and the world's gold stars or gray dots fall off us the second someone puts one on? What if the best gift we can possible give back to heaven is overcoming and mastering the world inside of us?
It started when I took Zina to preschool and Elsie went down for a nap and I had some time to myself. I'm putting stuff on KSL and read the headline about the LDS bishop who was murdered in his office 30 min after sacrament. Of course I start crying and then I start sobbing. I will never understand the senselessness that occurs in this life. And I will never understand my sensitivity to feeling it so deeply. I suppose it's a gift. Or a curse. But I don't have that protection most people do when it comes to others problems. They feel like my own. And that's a lot to carry. (Like when I watched Beaches as a kid and cried for two hours after the movie and then woke up at three am and cried for another two hours.)
So I start praying and sobbing and praying. And I felt so much peace. Peace that it's all going to be ok. Which doesn't mean it magically disappears. His six boys will still go through life without their dad (ages 14 to three months). His wife will still have to wake up everyday and take care of life. But it's going to be ok. Eternally. Eternally everything will work out exactly how it needs to. I just wish I could see the things He sees. I wish I could have that perspective ALL the time. Not just when I go to the temple or start crying because the sin of this world overwhelms me. Sigh... But I suppose that's the real trial of faith. To choose to respond with love and hope when you don't feel it or can't remember it.
I suppose that if we truly felt peaceful all the time in our insides lives, then we wouldn't learn what we came to learn. Or would we? What if the true purpose of life is to conquer our inside lives and to feel peaceful all the time no matter what? What if that is totally and completely possible but none of us believes it? What if we've only really understood the atonement when we no longer carry any pain or sorrow at all and the world's gold stars or gray dots fall off us the second someone puts one on? What if the best gift we can possible give back to heaven is overcoming and mastering the world inside of us?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A Lifetime in a Day
I've been feeling lately that I live a whole life emotionally in one day. The good, the bad, the ugly. And the powerful. I get ready to share a thought and then get too tired to actually write it down.
Have you seen Inception? Of course I'm a Chris Nolan fan (Jared and I saw The Dark Knight twice in one day). I love the way his mind works. I love the places he goes and the questions he asks. He understands madness. But more beautiful is that he understands hope.
I cried and cried and then had to go to the ladies room and cry some more. The entire movie was a perfect metaphor to my life. I felt the beauty of knowing this life is nothing but a dream. Our true reality is our spirits. This time here is nothing but a dream. A dream we have some control over, but a dream nonetheless.
On another level, my third layer is the dream of depression. It seems SO real. Your emotions and thoughts are so powerful, but your intellect tells you they aren't. Which one to choose? Which one is reality? The constant conflict is exhausting and draining. Letting go to rise to truth is both painful and exhilarating.
Anyhow, I have so much more to say, but I'm tired today.
Have you seen Inception? Of course I'm a Chris Nolan fan (Jared and I saw The Dark Knight twice in one day). I love the way his mind works. I love the places he goes and the questions he asks. He understands madness. But more beautiful is that he understands hope.
I cried and cried and then had to go to the ladies room and cry some more. The entire movie was a perfect metaphor to my life. I felt the beauty of knowing this life is nothing but a dream. Our true reality is our spirits. This time here is nothing but a dream. A dream we have some control over, but a dream nonetheless.
On another level, my third layer is the dream of depression. It seems SO real. Your emotions and thoughts are so powerful, but your intellect tells you they aren't. Which one to choose? Which one is reality? The constant conflict is exhausting and draining. Letting go to rise to truth is both painful and exhilarating.
Anyhow, I have so much more to say, but I'm tired today.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Energy Medicine
Um...I don't even know what to write yet without writing a book. I will say I have found my life's purpose, besides having a family and gaining celestial glory, which is what every Mormon wants. I guess I will say I have found MY road to get there.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Merger
I'm discovering more and more how spiritually rooted this journey is becoming. I was under the impression that depression was a mind game (that's how everyone treats it, professional and layman alike). But it's not. At its root, it is a spiritual dysfunction. So for the time being I'm merging Philantra and A Journey to Balance.
Just thought I'd let you know.
Just thought I'd let you know.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
More Conflict
A friend reminded me of NieNie's blog. I've spent the past hour reading it (while watching Psych because I needed to laugh too). My friend loves NieNie because she inspires her. But NieNie doesn't inspire me. She creates great amounts of conflict. I'm not sure why but it's bothering me enough that I can't sleep so I decided to write see if the process helps me process. (Pun totally intended.) I don't mean anything rude or degrading against her; I'm so sad for her struggles and can't imagine the huge uphill battle she'll fight the rest of her mortal life. But her blog doesn't resonate with me and I want to find out why.
1. She's super trendy. I don't trust trendy. Trendy blog, trendy clothes, trendy new basement.
2. She obviously comes from money and seems to enjoy money. And is incredibly well connected. Trips everywhere. Boats, private airplanes, front row seats to games, meeting apostles. PS How does her husband have so much free time?
3. And this is the root of my conflict...Her home is a place of refuge and peace. She's madly in love with her husband, never writes anything negative about motherhood, has the undying support of not only family and friends, but thousands (if not tens of thousands) of strangers.
Her trial is mostly a physical one. A super hard, incredibly painful physical trial. And here's the big difference with what I'm going through (and have gone through my whole life). Mine is a shameful trial. Depression isn't something you talk about. It's not something you ring up a friends and say, "Hey, I'm feeling suicidal, can you watch my kids for a few hours so I can meditate my way out of this one." It's not something you go on Opera for and find enough sponsors on your blog to help pay the bills and get specials perks like free bikes and clothes and designer basements.
She gets to go home to a husband whom she adores and craves. I fight the feeling all the time like I'm ruining his life or that I choose poorly because he's not giving me what I need (side note, intellectually I know that's false. The feeling is still very real and strong however). She talks all the time about her babies and how much they fill her life and how badly she wants four more. I need a constant escape from motherhood because my kids (although I love them deeply and don't regret having them, most day) literally suck life from me on all levels. She misses Utah when she's not here and loves where she lives. I hate Utah and feel stuck here. Utah is the place I was sexually abused. Utah is the place where I turned depressed and fat from it and my parents didn't know how to handle it so then I turned crazy and no one knew how to handle me so I became an outcast. Made fun of by my own brothers and called bitch from hell and had snow rubbed in my face in front of my friends. Utah is the place where I fought suicide for 8 years and still feel like I don't belong. And have never found lasting peace.
So I'm actually a little jealous of NieNie. I'm jealous she can talk about her trials. I'm jealous that she has instant sympathy and support from friend and stranger alike. (Instead of, "Get over it. You just need to think more positive.") I'm jealous that no matter what she's going through she still has a foundation of total love and acceptance. I'm jealous that there's no shame. I wish I had that. And right now I'd trade trials just to get it. That sounds horrible. What is wrong with me?
1. She's super trendy. I don't trust trendy. Trendy blog, trendy clothes, trendy new basement.
2. She obviously comes from money and seems to enjoy money. And is incredibly well connected. Trips everywhere. Boats, private airplanes, front row seats to games, meeting apostles. PS How does her husband have so much free time?
3. And this is the root of my conflict...Her home is a place of refuge and peace. She's madly in love with her husband, never writes anything negative about motherhood, has the undying support of not only family and friends, but thousands (if not tens of thousands) of strangers.
Her trial is mostly a physical one. A super hard, incredibly painful physical trial. And here's the big difference with what I'm going through (and have gone through my whole life). Mine is a shameful trial. Depression isn't something you talk about. It's not something you ring up a friends and say, "Hey, I'm feeling suicidal, can you watch my kids for a few hours so I can meditate my way out of this one." It's not something you go on Opera for and find enough sponsors on your blog to help pay the bills and get specials perks like free bikes and clothes and designer basements.
She gets to go home to a husband whom she adores and craves. I fight the feeling all the time like I'm ruining his life or that I choose poorly because he's not giving me what I need (side note, intellectually I know that's false. The feeling is still very real and strong however). She talks all the time about her babies and how much they fill her life and how badly she wants four more. I need a constant escape from motherhood because my kids (although I love them deeply and don't regret having them, most day) literally suck life from me on all levels. She misses Utah when she's not here and loves where she lives. I hate Utah and feel stuck here. Utah is the place I was sexually abused. Utah is the place where I turned depressed and fat from it and my parents didn't know how to handle it so then I turned crazy and no one knew how to handle me so I became an outcast. Made fun of by my own brothers and called bitch from hell and had snow rubbed in my face in front of my friends. Utah is the place where I fought suicide for 8 years and still feel like I don't belong. And have never found lasting peace.
So I'm actually a little jealous of NieNie. I'm jealous she can talk about her trials. I'm jealous that she has instant sympathy and support from friend and stranger alike. (Instead of, "Get over it. You just need to think more positive.") I'm jealous that no matter what she's going through she still has a foundation of total love and acceptance. I'm jealous that there's no shame. I wish I had that. And right now I'd trade trials just to get it. That sounds horrible. What is wrong with me?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Iridologist
So in April when I decided that essential oils were not doing prozac's job, I started heavily researching what method to use to stabilize my brain chemistry. I found several options, thought and prayed a lot and decided on an iridologist, though he was initially my least favorite option.
The idea behind the science is that anything that happens to you is recorded in your body. Your cells carry memory and those trained can read the eyes can see what systems need balancing. He took a picture of my eyes and gave me a program to reverse damage for my whole body. He's big into seasoning cleansing, so I've dedicated this next year to getting better. I liked this plan the most because in the end it will help balance EVERYTHING, not just depression.
The program combines herbs, homeopathic, true foods (85% vegan, nothing processed), energy work, and whole food supplements.
I can already feel it working. I've been doing it for one month and have noticed some nice changes. My back pain is reduced, though not gone. I don't need glasses as much - I can read the hymn numbers for the first time in years. I haven't need a prozac since I started and I've only have two "bad" days.
I'm so hopeful that this will work permanently. That's such a nice feeling.
The idea behind the science is that anything that happens to you is recorded in your body. Your cells carry memory and those trained can read the eyes can see what systems need balancing. He took a picture of my eyes and gave me a program to reverse damage for my whole body. He's big into seasoning cleansing, so I've dedicated this next year to getting better. I liked this plan the most because in the end it will help balance EVERYTHING, not just depression.
The program combines herbs, homeopathic, true foods (85% vegan, nothing processed), energy work, and whole food supplements.
I can already feel it working. I've been doing it for one month and have noticed some nice changes. My back pain is reduced, though not gone. I don't need glasses as much - I can read the hymn numbers for the first time in years. I haven't need a prozac since I started and I've only have two "bad" days.
I'm so hopeful that this will work permanently. That's such a nice feeling.
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